Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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