Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
We had to coat check the pizza.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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