you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
