Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
