I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
