i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize