When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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