he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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