farters have to be the big spoon...
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
