the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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