If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
