im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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