I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
