Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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