i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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