this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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