I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
