If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
