Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
