My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I lost the right to judge tonight
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
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