You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
