life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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