I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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