I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Please, let me fuck your mom
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
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