My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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