i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
