if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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