Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
