Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Randomize
