Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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