I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
