She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
