I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
