1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
