I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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