shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
