just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
