How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
where are my pants?
in the oven.
where are my eyebrows?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
