11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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