therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
