Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
