and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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