i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
