I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
