Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
