Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
You've changed since you got that strap on
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
