bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
