Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
