just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
foreskin is a definite game changer
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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