if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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