the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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