I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
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