i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
