My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
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