I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
